Who am I? It’s a huge question, an existential one, and I’ve been grappling with it heavily. Maybe it’s because I’m turning 40 this summer. Maybe it’s because, after 11 consecutive years of nursing and being pregnant, I’m ready to take myself back. No more babies strapped to me; no more on-demand feeding at all times. Maybe I’m asking this big question because my aunt suddenly died and though it’s been 9 months, I’m still shocked and confused. How ephemeral it all is.
To reclaim. verb
gerund or present participle: reclaiming
-
1.
retrieve or recover (something previously lost, given, or paid); obtain the return of.
I seemed to have lost myself a bit in the last decade, mothering and making life. I am seeking to retrieve it. It’s not that I didn’t love that stage, but it felt relentless and unforgiving, especially in Chicago without family around to support us. Mothering so fully for a decade shaped who Nawal Qarooni was, and is, but Nawal Qarooni Casiano was always confusing to me. I wanted to add Casiano to share a name with my children. But Mrs. Casiano sounded like my mother-in-law. I go by Miss Q in the classroom. I always LOVED my Q, felt it unique – that GH sound it connotes, despite the K anglicization of Qarooni (Ka-rooni). More and more, I started to bristle when I’d be introduced with the Casiano. I’d feel prickly when the Q was dropped from publications, as if somehow my actual name bothered people to include, even though I knew that wasn’t the case. I sent myself into spirals thinking about dropping the Casiano, but worried how people in the world might read that. Would they think I was getting divorced? What would the C in NQC Literacy stand for? I perseverated.
After way too much overthinking, I realized it mattered to precisely nobody but myself. The C in NQC Literacy would stand for my children- all Casianos. But their mama is definitely Nawal Qarooni.
So I am reclaiming/ claiming myself. I know Nawal Qarooni. She’s an avid reader and loves adventure and marvels at small things. She’s the glue in her family, for her parents, siblings, aunts and uncles. She’s a planner. She thrives in the early morning. She loves taking photographs and the change in seasons, biking and baking. Now, she sometimes even takes a mini weekend alone to write, or to spend time with the powerful women in her life.
It felt like coming home.
Writing trip.
It’s nice to meet you, Nawal. Here’s to celebrating YOU! I hope you keep taking those weekends just for you and continue to honor your true self.
What a refreshing read! The last line is so powerful. Thanks for sharing!
Love this … all of it!!! Powerful in message, structure and craft as always. Looking forward to this month.
Nawal, I must admit I was giddy to find my way to your blog today. You have such a powerful way with words, and I know I’ll be changed by the perspectives and ideas you offer. The word reclaim is potent. When you wrote, "I’m ready to take myself back", I paused to consider how motherhood is equally nourishing and draining. I will spend the next 31 days marveling at the way you weave words together. Enjoy the journey of finding your way back to yourself.
Was saying your name out loud to myself this entire post. I was definitely anglo-saxifying it before and am glad I now know! Love the idea of reclaiming/ claiming yourself. I obviously haven’t gone through the early motherhood period of life, but the idea of struggling with ‘becoming’ an area of your life really resonates with me! It’s hard to not become your relationship or become your job. Glad you’re back feeling like yourself!
Ah, Nawal – your writing is so personal and intimate. Thank you for naming the truths of our changing lives (change = growth), the way we tangle ourselves in our children (a joy, a burden), the need for alone time. This post resonates so deeply as I let my babies head out in the world, leaving my nest (not my breast). I’m so excited it’s March. xo