I tweeted this week that I knew I would be using this space for raw emotion and lots of reflection this year, as it feels like a season of growth.
I’m in process.
I admit too that I am someone who succumbs to binary thinking and have worked hard to reduce anxiety when I feel in the gray. I give myself such little grace here. But the truth is sometimes, things are evolving. Sometimes, there’s no label for where you are. Usually, the journey is infinitely more critical than the destination.
Earlier this week, I hid in the back of my bathroom, in a part of the house where nobody would readily look for me.
“I feel stuck,” I cried to one of my best friends. “It feels like trudging through mud.”
“Oh honey, why do you feel that way right now?” Kate asked. “What about now makes you feel like you can’t change things?”
I said nothing, wiping my runny nose with a piece of toilet paper.
“What have you done recently that felt you were unraveling the stuck part?” she continued, pausing briefly, leaving what felt like good space to breathe. “When this month did you feel like you were moving in the right direction?”
Kate has known me for 21 of my nearly 40 years. We always tell her she should be a therapist. She makes everyone around her feel seen and heard. Finally, I realized why.
Kate asks questions. She doesn’t solely project her opinions; she doesn’t always come with ideas for how to navigate something better. She’s not my yes girl or one who rushes to solve. She seeks to understand. Her approach is what I decided I want to spread more widely across all aspects of my life, envisioning myself with a bucket of question paint, dipping my brush and covering whole swaths of territory widely with a new, softer, more empathetic approach.
The everlasting thought is this:
When one asks questions, they seek to understand.
When one gives opinions, they project their own psychology onto you.
What this does is rid me of worries over people’s opinions. It helps me understand that folks will always bring their own psychology to a situation- through no fault of their own- pushing their own histories, identities and comprehension of life via their own colored lenses. I believe the same holds true for us as educators: when we approach students with questions, we seek to understand. We seek to support growth from wherever the students are. This thinking reduces the teacher’s power, transferring learning back to the hands of the child.
Though I tout process over product with every student, teacher and school – and in fact, am writing a whole chapter about it for my book- I don’t always do the best job of absorbing that philosophy myself. For my four children, I coo over and exalt their mistakes. And I marvel at the steady way they stumble, get back up, recalibrate and retry. Not so easy when applying said philosophy to myself. But today, as I turn things over, I’m doing a better job of shedding some criticality. I’m trying to drop some of the discomfort over not feeling perfect. I’m accepting people’s questions, and approaching others the same.
Oooh, this question is everything: “When this month did you feel like you were moving in the right direction?”
I’ve been feeling like you have so I’m going to think on that this evening.
Somehow, we’ll all trudge ourselves out of this mud and onto paved ground.
Some steps are stickier than others. I love the framing of questions your friend Kate offered. Just a comfort. A way to hear and listen, while also nudging you to see a way around the stickiness.
Those pictures show such a beautiful side to the closeness you two have. I loved scrolling through those as a little peek further into your friendship.
“When one asks questions, they seek to understand. When one gives opinions, they project their own psychology on you.”
What a profound realization that you made. Applying this lens to situations gives context and greater understanding of the dialogue. It definitely can alter your perspective on a situation
I want to be that question friend- I fear I too often offer an opinion/proposed solution. Your reflective process is strong here. Here’s hoping you find more unsticking points.
Give yourself grace, Nawal, as you give your children grace…. and oh no– is that giving advice? I love the reflection about asking questions versus giving advice. I’m going to be working on that.
We all need friends like Kate in our lives. I’m so glad you have her in your corner. I was particularly struck by your everlasting thought, and the way you set it apart with a colon increased its power. My wish for every child in this nation is to have a mom like you who "marvels at the steady way they stumble, get back up, recalibrate and retry." I count it a privilege to bear witness to your process.
Ohh this is a big one. I often wonder if it is also the need to avoid discomfort – even someone else’s discomfort. We try to fix, make better, have closure. This reminds me of the book, The Rabbit Listened. Sometimes we just need to be with someone and do nothing else. I wonder if we can apply this to ourselves – just listen and question, sit with what we are feeling, trust we will find our way. So much to think about as always. Thank you.